Days 8-13

Okay bare with me here.
I'm sorry I haven't gotten to posting for the last what? 5 or 6 days? Each day has been a blur. The first three I still had the kids, That was enough right there. I haven't been able to sleep for the last week and a half or so. I'd like to say it was due to the fact that I had the kids and had to keep getting up bu tin all honesty they had very little to do with it. I haven't been sleeping, maybe eating once a day and overall feel horrible. Lethargy has become my new friend and a caddy one at that. I feel like I'm shutting down and it's scaring me.
I'm really tired and I've been shaky all day, so forgive me if any or all of this seems just thrown out there.
I had flaked on Diana, and Sam yesterday and then Diana, Chris and Aileen last night. I was so tired I knew I would be horrid company. Turns out that even though I was so tired I found it impossible to sleep. I tried getting sleep last night but it didn't come until 7 am this morning. Tonight isn't looking any more promising seeing how it's already 5:52 am.
I woke up this morning by a myriad of phone calls. First Aileen: silence. Second Chris: silence. Third Diana: picked that one up seeing how I always try to answer here's just in case of anything. Nothing against the other two but I figured that they were all together and they would probably think I was dead if I didn't answer. So I drug my carcass out of bed and had the shakes bad. Anxiety was running rampant and has just about all day... even now. My nephew Brian and his friend Niko came over for me to pierce their ears. Brian was cool with the first and almost passed out on the second one. He was fine a couple minutes later. Chris, Diana, Matt and Aileen came over. Matt was nice enough to run to best buy for me to pick up a new keyboard mouse combo since the ones I had were dead, and a Wacom tablet so I could get used to it and use it for photo shop, which Diana is going to help me out learning. I feel that I need to find something to do with my time since I can't get hired, I have no money and well... let's face it, Rock Band only goes so far as does Facebook apps.
I tire of the constant struggle in my head. Hell I'm tired of the constant struggle out of my head. I felt awful because even though part of the group came over tonight I felt like a bad host or anti-social to an extent. I wanted to do a few things on the computer but I was the only one without a laptop so I had to come in here. Not that I want one to be part of the in crowd, I just didn't want them to think I was disappearing. That and i was fighting anxiety all day. Hadn't eaten and was shaking from lack of food and panic. I'm starting to get the hang of what Shawn has been dealing with. There are two kinds of people, or so I perceive, in our group. Those who have someone and those that don't give a damn if they have someone or not. I have suspicions about one or two people but that's not for me to concern myself with. As much as a couple people tell me that they love me and care about me, it's not the same. It's not so much as being put in the friend zone, even though that is just a desolate place to be, and while I appreciate the caring, it's not the same feeling of being wanted or even human. There are reasons why I am alone and I know that. Doesn't mean i have to like it.
I have a bad feeling lately, like things are coming to an end. Not like life or the end of the world, whooooo! Just poignant elements are about to be lost, or shuffled off. Everything comes to a head I suppose and I'm no different than anyone else, we can all only take so much.
I miss you... I wanted to attempt to explain how much, but there aren't words for it.
Sorry for the gaps in writing. I'll try to do better.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.