Day 2

*Sigh*
What followed a long night of no sleep (about an hour) was a conglomeration of stress, anxiety and an aggregate of sighing. Kids were kids. Bounding off of the ceiling, remind me to wash the foot prints off of there.
The morning started off perpetually the way the previous night (morning) ended... with texts and phone calls. I'm of the opinion that I am avoiding people out of both depression and running the risk of sending others the wrong message. Undoubtedly certain people noticed immediately that I was already acting different since you've left. A post on FB stating that "I give up" was misconstrued and went from being about the fact that i was tired to people fearful about what I was giving up on.
I don't know what they were thinking but it was wrong.
Yeah I'm blue, bummed, depressed whatever you want to call it, but I am not feeling this way because I want anyone's pity. I feel strongly that everyone who suffers loss in anyway is entitled to a mourning period. A track of time to connect with the pain and hurt and let it out instead of taking others advice and "Hang in there", "chin up" and other diatribe of absurdities. What good will it do to bottle up the anguish and slap on a screwed on smile? I was out of smokes this morning and someone magically dropped off a pack on my doorstep and sent a text to let me know they were there. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciated it immensely but felt horrible about it at the same time. Even though it wasn't meant as pity, far from it, that's the mind set I was in. I was smartly corrected and was reminded it was sympathy for being without them... fair enough. It was still appreciated.
Anyway, the day trudged on. (To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.) Name that movie.
I returned a call or two to people that I felt safe enough talking to until dinner time reared it's ugly head. Since the kids are all over the map with what they want to eat, I decided that I'd try and appease all. Pizza for Brenny: All day long "Daddy pizza". Chicken with bones for Madi: No brainer there. Tacos for Shawn, Cameron and myself. Turns out Cameron and Madi both wanted chicken AND tacos. I'll tell you what though, wasn't the same without you, that's for certain.
After the fiasco that was known as dinner came to an end, got the kids settled and ready for bed and started down that path.
Hopped on facebook for a few while two of the tots fell asleep. Saw that you commented on something before it even showed you on the messenger. Talking to you isn't the same on there.
Noticed comments between you and her and almost wretched. "You'll always be missed" I'm sorry I missed the obituaries this morning. Maybe I'll see if my Mom can cut yours out for me before it hits the recycle.
At any rate After all three were down for the count I started picking up here and there getting ready for Madi's 5th tomorrow. Took the tree down, put toys away, you know how it goes. I took the trash and recycling out about half an hour ago. On the way back up the Green Mile I The neighbor that lost his son was standing where the two walk ways meet. He asked if he could buy a smoke from me. I had about 6 left in the pack, and I picked up instantly that he was having a harder night than I was. I said "Tell you what, you look like your angel took the night off and you're getting shit on." and handed him the rest of my pack. He just looked at me with tears pooling in his eyes and right then I knew that I was right. Seems he went to bed and couldn't sleep thinking about his son that passed away. SIDS... That's what happened.
I talked with him for a while sharing the same heady air that follows misery. To be honest it took everything I had to not breakdown. We finished inhaling our air fresheners and I gave him a hug asking that he hangs in there the best he can... he lost the breakdown race. We walked away from each other and retreated for the night.
That brings me to now.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.