*Sigh*
What followed a long night of no sleep (about an hour) was a conglomeration of stress, anxiety and an aggregate of sighing. Kids were kids. Bounding off of the ceiling, remind me to wash the foot prints off of there.
The morning started off perpetually the way the previous night (morning) ended... with texts and phone calls. I'm of the opinion that I am avoiding people out of both depression and running the risk of sending others the wrong message. Undoubtedly certain people noticed immediately that I was already acting different since you've left. A post on FB stating that "I give up" was misconstrued and went from being about the fact that i was tired to people fearful about what I was giving up on.
I don't know what they were thinking but it was wrong.
Yeah I'm blue, bummed, depressed whatever you want to call it, but I am not feeling this way because I want anyone's pity. I feel strongly that everyone who suffers loss in anyway is entitled to a mourning period. A track of time to connect with the pain and hurt and let it out instead of taking others advice and "Hang in there", "chin up" and other diatribe of absurdities. What good will it do to bottle up the anguish and slap on a screwed on smile? I was out of smokes this morning and someone magically dropped off a pack on my doorstep and sent a text to let me know they were there. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciated it immensely but felt horrible about it at the same time. Even though it wasn't meant as pity, far from it, that's the mind set I was in. I was smartly corrected and was reminded it was sympathy for being without them... fair enough. It was still appreciated.
Anyway, the day trudged on. (To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.) Name that movie.
I returned a call or two to people that I felt safe enough talking to until dinner time reared it's ugly head. Since the kids are all over the map with what they want to eat, I decided that I'd try and appease all. Pizza for Brenny: All day long "Daddy pizza". Chicken with bones for Madi: No brainer there. Tacos for Shawn, Cameron and myself. Turns out Cameron and Madi both wanted chicken AND tacos. I'll tell you what though, wasn't the same without you, that's for certain.
After the fiasco that was known as dinner came to an end, got the kids settled and ready for bed and started down that path.
Hopped on facebook for a few while two of the tots fell asleep. Saw that you commented on something before it even showed you on the messenger. Talking to you isn't the same on there.
Noticed comments between you and her and almost wretched. "You'll always be missed" I'm sorry I missed the obituaries this morning. Maybe I'll see if my Mom can cut yours out for me before it hits the recycle.
At any rate After all three were down for the count I started picking up here and there getting ready for Madi's 5th tomorrow. Took the tree down, put toys away, you know how it goes. I took the trash and recycling out about half an hour ago. On the way back up the Green Mile I The neighbor that lost his son was standing where the two walk ways meet. He asked if he could buy a smoke from me. I had about 6 left in the pack, and I picked up instantly that he was having a harder night than I was. I said "Tell you what, you look like your angel took the night off and you're getting shit on." and handed him the rest of my pack. He just looked at me with tears pooling in his eyes and right then I knew that I was right. Seems he went to bed and couldn't sleep thinking about his son that passed away. SIDS... That's what happened.
I talked with him for a while sharing the same heady air that follows misery. To be honest it took everything I had to not breakdown. We finished inhaling our air fresheners and I gave him a hug asking that he hangs in there the best he can... he lost the breakdown race. We walked away from each other and retreated for the night.
That brings me to now.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Day 1
After waking up from what seems like the worst nights sleep ever, I woke up to an anxiety attack. Not just an anxiety attack but one of those attacks that feels like your heart is about to beat out of your chest, grab you by the throat and shake you around a while.
The fact that, like every morning, I reached for my phone to check messages and what not and read a text from you stating that you had made it there safe and sound and had already unloaded, didn't help. As if you leaving my house this morning wasn't a slap wake up call enough. First thought and raced a marathon through my head? "Okay I'm going to go back to sleep for two more weeks."
After the morning's ritual of a Pepsi and a hand full of smokes, my heart stopped pounding and then dropped. On I pressed. Cleaning the house after last nights debacle proved more of a task than usual with my somber state fully intact, but soothingly familiar. Sara got out of work early and stopped by to smoke with me before going to hang out with her mom before work, although I suspect she was also here to gauge if I'd lost my mind yet. She told me quip filled funny stories of the day, and while they made me smile they really didn't improve my mood too much. This was probably thanks in no small part to the steady diet of hum drum "I miss you" type of songs that I listened to while I worked my way through what needed to be done (Everything Sucks When You're Gone).
My parents called soon after the smoke breaks to let me know they were on this side of Bakersfield and to see if I was doing okay. For some reason I held it together until my mother asked if I was okay... I lost that battle as I hung up. After some composure time I returned back to what I was doing to get ready for the kids. Once they arrived at the gate I walked out to give the ankle the gate card. She had Cam jump out and open the gate. After he did so she had the wonderful maternal instinct to allow him to hang from the window (rolled down) with her arm around him while she drove in. Why oh why did I ever file for divorce.
After the kids were settled in we had our delayed X-mas. The kids loved the plethora of toys... except Brenny, he didn't want to open them. Thats okay we'll do it tomorrow. Of course even though they had already had dinner they were still hungry, no surprise there. After a bit of grub and Shawn helping Cam put together one of his presents, I have been in the room with the other two so I could keep them in bed and to sleep, which brings us to now.
I've decided to do my best and recap the days events as funny or dismal as they may or may not be. In one sense it feels that you're here and can keep up to date with the haps and not out of the loop. In another sense... I'm going to be talking to my computer ever night.
Love you and hope that you are well and happy.
The fact that, like every morning, I reached for my phone to check messages and what not and read a text from you stating that you had made it there safe and sound and had already unloaded, didn't help. As if you leaving my house this morning wasn't a slap wake up call enough. First thought and raced a marathon through my head? "Okay I'm going to go back to sleep for two more weeks."
After the morning's ritual of a Pepsi and a hand full of smokes, my heart stopped pounding and then dropped. On I pressed. Cleaning the house after last nights debacle proved more of a task than usual with my somber state fully intact, but soothingly familiar. Sara got out of work early and stopped by to smoke with me before going to hang out with her mom before work, although I suspect she was also here to gauge if I'd lost my mind yet. She told me quip filled funny stories of the day, and while they made me smile they really didn't improve my mood too much. This was probably thanks in no small part to the steady diet of hum drum "I miss you" type of songs that I listened to while I worked my way through what needed to be done (Everything Sucks When You're Gone).
My parents called soon after the smoke breaks to let me know they were on this side of Bakersfield and to see if I was doing okay. For some reason I held it together until my mother asked if I was okay... I lost that battle as I hung up. After some composure time I returned back to what I was doing to get ready for the kids. Once they arrived at the gate I walked out to give the ankle the gate card. She had Cam jump out and open the gate. After he did so she had the wonderful maternal instinct to allow him to hang from the window (rolled down) with her arm around him while she drove in. Why oh why did I ever file for divorce.
After the kids were settled in we had our delayed X-mas. The kids loved the plethora of toys... except Brenny, he didn't want to open them. Thats okay we'll do it tomorrow. Of course even though they had already had dinner they were still hungry, no surprise there. After a bit of grub and Shawn helping Cam put together one of his presents, I have been in the room with the other two so I could keep them in bed and to sleep, which brings us to now.
I've decided to do my best and recap the days events as funny or dismal as they may or may not be. In one sense it feels that you're here and can keep up to date with the haps and not out of the loop. In another sense... I'm going to be talking to my computer ever night.
Love you and hope that you are well and happy.
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