Sooo...
Here I am again. A lot has happened but everyone who is important knows what's happened.
So many things bother me of late that shouldn't by any right.
Ya know, it's completely ridiculous that someone can break your heart but you can still love them with all of the pieces. So what do you do? Maybe the better question is, how do you let go of something that you've treasured for so long? With anger, vengeance, maybe even spite? Or do you do it by the realization that two are better without. That the memories are better left up on the shelf, to dust off every once in a while and remember what was shared and encumbered in love are to be looked upon fondly, and kept to your heart and yours only. At least there those memories can never be sullied or forgotten.
I fear that what has become was not done out of the best of thoughts or reactions... but what is done is done. No more mending. No more tearful hugs of relief that you still hold some connection with that person. No more denying the fact that both make one another miserable from lack of the other. I only wish that the years had never passed.
Regrets? Of course, but of what, I can't see clearly at this point.
This post is shorter than normal but it's been oddly draining.
Until next time, I hope that you are happy and well.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Day 14
Two weeks...
It's been two weeks and the pangs of loss still run deep. I try to put on a good show but all throughout the days and nights... it still hurts.
Well, Today was fun and exciting. Okay, not really. I woke up at 4 pm after having been up all night of course. My bodies clock feels like someone forgot to wind it up. Eating! Yeah not so much in the last week or so. I feel like my body is shutting down in alphabetical order and I can't find the reset button. All of this on top of what is now three court dates coming up and all within a week and a half, is killing me.
Well I almost spent the day without talking to anyone but Shawn. I talked to a Chris for a few on messenger and said hi to Diana but they they were all I could take. Love em both. I can see myself growing more and more reclusive by the day lately, and really it's not that hard since I'm not that much fun to be around these days... don't say it. I know I'm not. I don't go anywhere, I don't want to, and I'm not the stand up I used to be. To be honest, I'm not sure i want to be around anyone else except a few people. I feel it might be easier to keep it small and tight so that I don't have the chance to portray myself in a negative manor to others. The few that I enjoy being around hopefully don't get that because ... well, I enjoy being with them. I can only imagine what goes on or is said, otherwise... maybe that's paranoia talking.
So I spent Saturday evening and what is now Sunday morning cleaning my hard drives out, eating what I could and generally thinking about things that I can change. I didn't find many things. I'm a single father who's ex-wife is trying to take the kids away from for her own benifits. On top of that she has the legal system on her side. I have no ... blah. Never mind all of that.
I installed a movie cataloging program again. Guess what I get to do. That's right! Enter all of the upc's by hand again, YAY! At least I have half as many this time? Boo! At least it gives me one more thing to do to both pass time and take my mind off of things. I was going to quit smoking, but then I remembered what I'm dealing with here in the upcoming month and the other 15 years at least.
Well it's 6:30 am on Sunday. I think I'm going to stop here for the morning and hit the sack. HA! Okay well at least going to smoke and read until the book hits my face. Talk to you next time.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
It's been two weeks and the pangs of loss still run deep. I try to put on a good show but all throughout the days and nights... it still hurts.
Well, Today was fun and exciting. Okay, not really. I woke up at 4 pm after having been up all night of course. My bodies clock feels like someone forgot to wind it up. Eating! Yeah not so much in the last week or so. I feel like my body is shutting down in alphabetical order and I can't find the reset button. All of this on top of what is now three court dates coming up and all within a week and a half, is killing me.
Well I almost spent the day without talking to anyone but Shawn. I talked to a Chris for a few on messenger and said hi to Diana but they they were all I could take. Love em both. I can see myself growing more and more reclusive by the day lately, and really it's not that hard since I'm not that much fun to be around these days... don't say it. I know I'm not. I don't go anywhere, I don't want to, and I'm not the stand up I used to be. To be honest, I'm not sure i want to be around anyone else except a few people. I feel it might be easier to keep it small and tight so that I don't have the chance to portray myself in a negative manor to others. The few that I enjoy being around hopefully don't get that because ... well, I enjoy being with them. I can only imagine what goes on or is said, otherwise... maybe that's paranoia talking.
So I spent Saturday evening and what is now Sunday morning cleaning my hard drives out, eating what I could and generally thinking about things that I can change. I didn't find many things. I'm a single father who's ex-wife is trying to take the kids away from for her own benifits. On top of that she has the legal system on her side. I have no ... blah. Never mind all of that.
I installed a movie cataloging program again. Guess what I get to do. That's right! Enter all of the upc's by hand again, YAY! At least I have half as many this time? Boo! At least it gives me one more thing to do to both pass time and take my mind off of things. I was going to quit smoking, but then I remembered what I'm dealing with here in the upcoming month and the other 15 years at least.
Well it's 6:30 am on Sunday. I think I'm going to stop here for the morning and hit the sack. HA! Okay well at least going to smoke and read until the book hits my face. Talk to you next time.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Days 8-13
Okay bare with me here.
I'm sorry I haven't gotten to posting for the last what? 5 or 6 days? Each day has been a blur. The first three I still had the kids, That was enough right there. I haven't been able to sleep for the last week and a half or so. I'd like to say it was due to the fact that I had the kids and had to keep getting up bu tin all honesty they had very little to do with it. I haven't been sleeping, maybe eating once a day and overall feel horrible. Lethargy has become my new friend and a caddy one at that. I feel like I'm shutting down and it's scaring me.
I'm really tired and I've been shaky all day, so forgive me if any or all of this seems just thrown out there.
I had flaked on Diana, and Sam yesterday and then Diana, Chris and Aileen last night. I was so tired I knew I would be horrid company. Turns out that even though I was so tired I found it impossible to sleep. I tried getting sleep last night but it didn't come until 7 am this morning. Tonight isn't looking any more promising seeing how it's already 5:52 am.
I woke up this morning by a myriad of phone calls. First Aileen: silence. Second Chris: silence. Third Diana: picked that one up seeing how I always try to answer here's just in case of anything. Nothing against the other two but I figured that they were all together and they would probably think I was dead if I didn't answer. So I drug my carcass out of bed and had the shakes bad. Anxiety was running rampant and has just about all day... even now. My nephew Brian and his friend Niko came over for me to pierce their ears. Brian was cool with the first and almost passed out on the second one. He was fine a couple minutes later. Chris, Diana, Matt and Aileen came over. Matt was nice enough to run to best buy for me to pick up a new keyboard mouse combo since the ones I had were dead, and a Wacom tablet so I could get used to it and use it for photo shop, which Diana is going to help me out learning. I feel that I need to find something to do with my time since I can't get hired, I have no money and well... let's face it, Rock Band only goes so far as does Facebook apps.
I tire of the constant struggle in my head. Hell I'm tired of the constant struggle out of my head. I felt awful because even though part of the group came over tonight I felt like a bad host or anti-social to an extent. I wanted to do a few things on the computer but I was the only one without a laptop so I had to come in here. Not that I want one to be part of the in crowd, I just didn't want them to think I was disappearing. That and i was fighting anxiety all day. Hadn't eaten and was shaking from lack of food and panic. I'm starting to get the hang of what Shawn has been dealing with. There are two kinds of people, or so I perceive, in our group. Those who have someone and those that don't give a damn if they have someone or not. I have suspicions about one or two people but that's not for me to concern myself with. As much as a couple people tell me that they love me and care about me, it's not the same. It's not so much as being put in the friend zone, even though that is just a desolate place to be, and while I appreciate the caring, it's not the same feeling of being wanted or even human. There are reasons why I am alone and I know that. Doesn't mean i have to like it.
I have a bad feeling lately, like things are coming to an end. Not like life or the end of the world, whooooo! Just poignant elements are about to be lost, or shuffled off. Everything comes to a head I suppose and I'm no different than anyone else, we can all only take so much.
I miss you... I wanted to attempt to explain how much, but there aren't words for it.
Sorry for the gaps in writing. I'll try to do better.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
I'm sorry I haven't gotten to posting for the last what? 5 or 6 days? Each day has been a blur. The first three I still had the kids, That was enough right there. I haven't been able to sleep for the last week and a half or so. I'd like to say it was due to the fact that I had the kids and had to keep getting up bu tin all honesty they had very little to do with it. I haven't been sleeping, maybe eating once a day and overall feel horrible. Lethargy has become my new friend and a caddy one at that. I feel like I'm shutting down and it's scaring me.
I'm really tired and I've been shaky all day, so forgive me if any or all of this seems just thrown out there.
I had flaked on Diana, and Sam yesterday and then Diana, Chris and Aileen last night. I was so tired I knew I would be horrid company. Turns out that even though I was so tired I found it impossible to sleep. I tried getting sleep last night but it didn't come until 7 am this morning. Tonight isn't looking any more promising seeing how it's already 5:52 am.
I woke up this morning by a myriad of phone calls. First Aileen: silence. Second Chris: silence. Third Diana: picked that one up seeing how I always try to answer here's just in case of anything. Nothing against the other two but I figured that they were all together and they would probably think I was dead if I didn't answer. So I drug my carcass out of bed and had the shakes bad. Anxiety was running rampant and has just about all day... even now. My nephew Brian and his friend Niko came over for me to pierce their ears. Brian was cool with the first and almost passed out on the second one. He was fine a couple minutes later. Chris, Diana, Matt and Aileen came over. Matt was nice enough to run to best buy for me to pick up a new keyboard mouse combo since the ones I had were dead, and a Wacom tablet so I could get used to it and use it for photo shop, which Diana is going to help me out learning. I feel that I need to find something to do with my time since I can't get hired, I have no money and well... let's face it, Rock Band only goes so far as does Facebook apps.
I tire of the constant struggle in my head. Hell I'm tired of the constant struggle out of my head. I felt awful because even though part of the group came over tonight I felt like a bad host or anti-social to an extent. I wanted to do a few things on the computer but I was the only one without a laptop so I had to come in here. Not that I want one to be part of the in crowd, I just didn't want them to think I was disappearing. That and i was fighting anxiety all day. Hadn't eaten and was shaking from lack of food and panic. I'm starting to get the hang of what Shawn has been dealing with. There are two kinds of people, or so I perceive, in our group. Those who have someone and those that don't give a damn if they have someone or not. I have suspicions about one or two people but that's not for me to concern myself with. As much as a couple people tell me that they love me and care about me, it's not the same. It's not so much as being put in the friend zone, even though that is just a desolate place to be, and while I appreciate the caring, it's not the same feeling of being wanted or even human. There are reasons why I am alone and I know that. Doesn't mean i have to like it.
I have a bad feeling lately, like things are coming to an end. Not like life or the end of the world, whooooo! Just poignant elements are about to be lost, or shuffled off. Everything comes to a head I suppose and I'm no different than anyone else, we can all only take so much.
I miss you... I wanted to attempt to explain how much, but there aren't words for it.
Sorry for the gaps in writing. I'll try to do better.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Day 6, 7
So... A daily blog is harder to keep than i thought, however I do what I can.
So yesterday...
I stayed up all night before hand and had to get cam ready to roll to his soccer game and a going away party for a classmate by 9 for Keri to pick him up. We all would have gone except my parents had my Dad's brother and other company over so we'll be going more regularly since all of the excitement has died down (hopefully). Keri got here about a quarter till ten (punctual as ever) and gave me crap of course about a missing shirt of Brenny's, always a fun way to start your day. Went back inside and finally went to sleep seeing how i can't sleep knowing that I will wake up having to deal with her. Well i slept for a couple of hours before having her call me to tell me that she was at the door. Goody! She had bought each of the kids something from Target. A Halo figure for Cam, a Buzz Lightyear set for Brenny and a book for Madi. She insisted on helping Brenny open his and was in on the rocky part past the door. Well instead of keeping the door open and letting the cold air in, I closed it. On her way out she saw the soft blanket on the couch where I had been sleeping and said snidely "Well that's MY blanket from x-mas one year." I told her to take it. She said "No I don't want it, you just have a major problem with knowing what was mine and what is yours." I didn't say anything and as she was leaving i closed the door. She stopped me from closing the door and (she did this on purpose) she stopped in the way of it and i pushed her with the door. She stopped it just so she could stick her head in and say "Why do you have to be such a dick?" Good morning Josh!
Let's see, what else? Ah yes!
My dad called me at about 5ish to give me a number to call. Said that someone showed up there to serve me papers for ANOTHER court date and i needed to call to give them my address so they could serve me here in person. I'll call them tomorrow.
And the icing on the cake. I had the blue pyrex on the stove ready to be cleaned and i put a pot of water on for hot chocolate. I turned on the wrong burner. I walked into my room a few minutes later, Shawn and Matt were still at the opening of the kitchen and I hear this BAM!
I ran back in and the pan had exploded... glass EVERYWHERE! While cleaning that up I got a nice poke right above my nail of my left index finger... hurt like a SOB.
Ended up not being able to sleep until about 6 this morning.
Thankfully today was pretty uneventful as it's 10:30 pm. Please oh please let it stay that way.
I had a billion things today and didn't get anything done because i swear each of the kids had a bell to call me with and I heard them all day at the same time... DADADADADADADADADADADADADADADA!!!!!!!!!!
I was very grateful to Shawn for picking up pizza!
Madi fell asleep a little before 8 tonight and then Brenny woke her up at 9... oh it's going to be a long night.
To top that all off you just HAD to text me about Fort Minor, now that song is stuck in my head and it makes me tear up every time.
Love you and I hope that you are happy and well.
So yesterday...
I stayed up all night before hand and had to get cam ready to roll to his soccer game and a going away party for a classmate by 9 for Keri to pick him up. We all would have gone except my parents had my Dad's brother and other company over so we'll be going more regularly since all of the excitement has died down (hopefully). Keri got here about a quarter till ten (punctual as ever) and gave me crap of course about a missing shirt of Brenny's, always a fun way to start your day. Went back inside and finally went to sleep seeing how i can't sleep knowing that I will wake up having to deal with her. Well i slept for a couple of hours before having her call me to tell me that she was at the door. Goody! She had bought each of the kids something from Target. A Halo figure for Cam, a Buzz Lightyear set for Brenny and a book for Madi. She insisted on helping Brenny open his and was in on the rocky part past the door. Well instead of keeping the door open and letting the cold air in, I closed it. On her way out she saw the soft blanket on the couch where I had been sleeping and said snidely "Well that's MY blanket from x-mas one year." I told her to take it. She said "No I don't want it, you just have a major problem with knowing what was mine and what is yours." I didn't say anything and as she was leaving i closed the door. She stopped me from closing the door and (she did this on purpose) she stopped in the way of it and i pushed her with the door. She stopped it just so she could stick her head in and say "Why do you have to be such a dick?" Good morning Josh!
Let's see, what else? Ah yes!
My dad called me at about 5ish to give me a number to call. Said that someone showed up there to serve me papers for ANOTHER court date and i needed to call to give them my address so they could serve me here in person. I'll call them tomorrow.
And the icing on the cake. I had the blue pyrex on the stove ready to be cleaned and i put a pot of water on for hot chocolate. I turned on the wrong burner. I walked into my room a few minutes later, Shawn and Matt were still at the opening of the kitchen and I hear this BAM!
I ran back in and the pan had exploded... glass EVERYWHERE! While cleaning that up I got a nice poke right above my nail of my left index finger... hurt like a SOB.
Ended up not being able to sleep until about 6 this morning.
Thankfully today was pretty uneventful as it's 10:30 pm. Please oh please let it stay that way.
I had a billion things today and didn't get anything done because i swear each of the kids had a bell to call me with and I heard them all day at the same time... DADADADADADADADADADADADADADADA!!!!!!!!!!
I was very grateful to Shawn for picking up pizza!
Madi fell asleep a little before 8 tonight and then Brenny woke her up at 9... oh it's going to be a long night.
To top that all off you just HAD to text me about Fort Minor, now that song is stuck in my head and it makes me tear up every time.
Love you and I hope that you are happy and well.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 3,4,5
Ugh! Sorry about the last few days. By the time the kids are asleep I'm so tired I lay down to try and sleep even though I know it won't come. The body is saying "Hey!! Get your ass to sleep" but the mind keeps a goin'. For instance, It's 6:14 am right now, and where am I? That's right, sitting in front of the computer writing you.
So let's see... Oh yeah! Recap time. Well it was Madi's 5th birthday on Wed. Sara sent me a text saying that her mom wanted to make Madi's cake the day before. I didn't want to burden someone else and made a horrible attempt at talking her (Sara)out of it. I just didn't have the energy. Madi was very excited as was to be expected. The kids all woke up and let me lay there for about half an hour more before i was all but drug off the couch. I offered to make pancakes and eggs and what not but did they want them? Nope. They wanted store bought waffles. Hey, who am I to argue with convenience? So I did my thing that you've seen me do a thousand times and went on a ballistic cleaning rampage and finished just in time to take a shower after Kate and the boys got here. yeah that was about 5 pm. Beardy called and asked what I was doing that night and told him he was more than welcome to come as usual. Chris and Diana came, as did Tim, Sara and her mom. I started to sweat it because Sara and her mom didn't get here until a bit after 7, so I threw brownies in just in case. We somehow forgot candles somewhere along the way, but it was fine. You know Madison. She would have clammed up and got really shy anyways. But hey, the cake was really really good.
Thursday was uneventful, thank God. During the evening Chris, Diana, Beardy and Tim came over. We all sat around trading old stories and had more than a few laughs. We did that until midnight struck, then we all went outside and a few of us actually stood there with our arms wide in the hopes that by more people doing that we would greatly increase our chances of one of us being hit by stray gunfire falling from the sky... Yeah like '09 was really that brilliant right?
After the fun fun happy joy joy festivities were over we all dispersed and for the most part crashed.
Friday... yet another pretty uneventful day (once again thank God). Had some conversations that were pretty rough but I suppose some things were cleared up and misunderstandings thanks to lack... I mean complete loss of communication on certain things, were set straight. Hopefully that works out now.
I haven't slept yet because of the wonderful world of insomnia. I'm so uptight and have no idea what to do to loosen up. My mind is rushing by in FTL and I can't slow it down in the least. Feel like I'm trapped on board the ship from SGU (how's that for a nerd reference? Eh Eh?) Cameron has a soccer game this (Saturday) morning. I'm not sure how that is to be honest. I've never heard of them training in the least and they don't have jerseys or equipment that I know of. We're going to be missing this one but I'll get the schedule from The One We Do Not Speak Of (What's her name?!.... Oh I dare not speak it!!) so that we can plan on it for future games. An hour and a half and I get to gaze upon her radiant beauty........ *snicker snort* HAHAHA!! I can't even type that with a straight face!
Well I'm going to read for a few until I have to get the kids up and going.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
So let's see... Oh yeah! Recap time. Well it was Madi's 5th birthday on Wed. Sara sent me a text saying that her mom wanted to make Madi's cake the day before. I didn't want to burden someone else and made a horrible attempt at talking her (Sara)out of it. I just didn't have the energy. Madi was very excited as was to be expected. The kids all woke up and let me lay there for about half an hour more before i was all but drug off the couch. I offered to make pancakes and eggs and what not but did they want them? Nope. They wanted store bought waffles. Hey, who am I to argue with convenience? So I did my thing that you've seen me do a thousand times and went on a ballistic cleaning rampage and finished just in time to take a shower after Kate and the boys got here. yeah that was about 5 pm. Beardy called and asked what I was doing that night and told him he was more than welcome to come as usual. Chris and Diana came, as did Tim, Sara and her mom. I started to sweat it because Sara and her mom didn't get here until a bit after 7, so I threw brownies in just in case. We somehow forgot candles somewhere along the way, but it was fine. You know Madison. She would have clammed up and got really shy anyways. But hey, the cake was really really good.
Thursday was uneventful, thank God. During the evening Chris, Diana, Beardy and Tim came over. We all sat around trading old stories and had more than a few laughs. We did that until midnight struck, then we all went outside and a few of us actually stood there with our arms wide in the hopes that by more people doing that we would greatly increase our chances of one of us being hit by stray gunfire falling from the sky... Yeah like '09 was really that brilliant right?
After the fun fun happy joy joy festivities were over we all dispersed and for the most part crashed.
Friday... yet another pretty uneventful day (once again thank God). Had some conversations that were pretty rough but I suppose some things were cleared up and misunderstandings thanks to lack... I mean complete loss of communication on certain things, were set straight. Hopefully that works out now.
I haven't slept yet because of the wonderful world of insomnia. I'm so uptight and have no idea what to do to loosen up. My mind is rushing by in FTL and I can't slow it down in the least. Feel like I'm trapped on board the ship from SGU (how's that for a nerd reference? Eh Eh?) Cameron has a soccer game this (Saturday) morning. I'm not sure how that is to be honest. I've never heard of them training in the least and they don't have jerseys or equipment that I know of. We're going to be missing this one but I'll get the schedule from The One We Do Not Speak Of (What's her name?!.... Oh I dare not speak it!!) so that we can plan on it for future games. An hour and a half and I get to gaze upon her radiant beauty........ *snicker snort* HAHAHA!! I can't even type that with a straight face!
Well I'm going to read for a few until I have to get the kids up and going.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Day 2
*Sigh*
What followed a long night of no sleep (about an hour) was a conglomeration of stress, anxiety and an aggregate of sighing. Kids were kids. Bounding off of the ceiling, remind me to wash the foot prints off of there.
The morning started off perpetually the way the previous night (morning) ended... with texts and phone calls. I'm of the opinion that I am avoiding people out of both depression and running the risk of sending others the wrong message. Undoubtedly certain people noticed immediately that I was already acting different since you've left. A post on FB stating that "I give up" was misconstrued and went from being about the fact that i was tired to people fearful about what I was giving up on.
I don't know what they were thinking but it was wrong.
Yeah I'm blue, bummed, depressed whatever you want to call it, but I am not feeling this way because I want anyone's pity. I feel strongly that everyone who suffers loss in anyway is entitled to a mourning period. A track of time to connect with the pain and hurt and let it out instead of taking others advice and "Hang in there", "chin up" and other diatribe of absurdities. What good will it do to bottle up the anguish and slap on a screwed on smile? I was out of smokes this morning and someone magically dropped off a pack on my doorstep and sent a text to let me know they were there. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciated it immensely but felt horrible about it at the same time. Even though it wasn't meant as pity, far from it, that's the mind set I was in. I was smartly corrected and was reminded it was sympathy for being without them... fair enough. It was still appreciated.
Anyway, the day trudged on. (To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.) Name that movie.
I returned a call or two to people that I felt safe enough talking to until dinner time reared it's ugly head. Since the kids are all over the map with what they want to eat, I decided that I'd try and appease all. Pizza for Brenny: All day long "Daddy pizza". Chicken with bones for Madi: No brainer there. Tacos for Shawn, Cameron and myself. Turns out Cameron and Madi both wanted chicken AND tacos. I'll tell you what though, wasn't the same without you, that's for certain.
After the fiasco that was known as dinner came to an end, got the kids settled and ready for bed and started down that path.
Hopped on facebook for a few while two of the tots fell asleep. Saw that you commented on something before it even showed you on the messenger. Talking to you isn't the same on there.
Noticed comments between you and her and almost wretched. "You'll always be missed" I'm sorry I missed the obituaries this morning. Maybe I'll see if my Mom can cut yours out for me before it hits the recycle.
At any rate After all three were down for the count I started picking up here and there getting ready for Madi's 5th tomorrow. Took the tree down, put toys away, you know how it goes. I took the trash and recycling out about half an hour ago. On the way back up the Green Mile I The neighbor that lost his son was standing where the two walk ways meet. He asked if he could buy a smoke from me. I had about 6 left in the pack, and I picked up instantly that he was having a harder night than I was. I said "Tell you what, you look like your angel took the night off and you're getting shit on." and handed him the rest of my pack. He just looked at me with tears pooling in his eyes and right then I knew that I was right. Seems he went to bed and couldn't sleep thinking about his son that passed away. SIDS... That's what happened.
I talked with him for a while sharing the same heady air that follows misery. To be honest it took everything I had to not breakdown. We finished inhaling our air fresheners and I gave him a hug asking that he hangs in there the best he can... he lost the breakdown race. We walked away from each other and retreated for the night.
That brings me to now.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
What followed a long night of no sleep (about an hour) was a conglomeration of stress, anxiety and an aggregate of sighing. Kids were kids. Bounding off of the ceiling, remind me to wash the foot prints off of there.
The morning started off perpetually the way the previous night (morning) ended... with texts and phone calls. I'm of the opinion that I am avoiding people out of both depression and running the risk of sending others the wrong message. Undoubtedly certain people noticed immediately that I was already acting different since you've left. A post on FB stating that "I give up" was misconstrued and went from being about the fact that i was tired to people fearful about what I was giving up on.
I don't know what they were thinking but it was wrong.
Yeah I'm blue, bummed, depressed whatever you want to call it, but I am not feeling this way because I want anyone's pity. I feel strongly that everyone who suffers loss in anyway is entitled to a mourning period. A track of time to connect with the pain and hurt and let it out instead of taking others advice and "Hang in there", "chin up" and other diatribe of absurdities. What good will it do to bottle up the anguish and slap on a screwed on smile? I was out of smokes this morning and someone magically dropped off a pack on my doorstep and sent a text to let me know they were there. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciated it immensely but felt horrible about it at the same time. Even though it wasn't meant as pity, far from it, that's the mind set I was in. I was smartly corrected and was reminded it was sympathy for being without them... fair enough. It was still appreciated.
Anyway, the day trudged on. (To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.) Name that movie.
I returned a call or two to people that I felt safe enough talking to until dinner time reared it's ugly head. Since the kids are all over the map with what they want to eat, I decided that I'd try and appease all. Pizza for Brenny: All day long "Daddy pizza". Chicken with bones for Madi: No brainer there. Tacos for Shawn, Cameron and myself. Turns out Cameron and Madi both wanted chicken AND tacos. I'll tell you what though, wasn't the same without you, that's for certain.
After the fiasco that was known as dinner came to an end, got the kids settled and ready for bed and started down that path.
Hopped on facebook for a few while two of the tots fell asleep. Saw that you commented on something before it even showed you on the messenger. Talking to you isn't the same on there.
Noticed comments between you and her and almost wretched. "You'll always be missed" I'm sorry I missed the obituaries this morning. Maybe I'll see if my Mom can cut yours out for me before it hits the recycle.
At any rate After all three were down for the count I started picking up here and there getting ready for Madi's 5th tomorrow. Took the tree down, put toys away, you know how it goes. I took the trash and recycling out about half an hour ago. On the way back up the Green Mile I The neighbor that lost his son was standing where the two walk ways meet. He asked if he could buy a smoke from me. I had about 6 left in the pack, and I picked up instantly that he was having a harder night than I was. I said "Tell you what, you look like your angel took the night off and you're getting shit on." and handed him the rest of my pack. He just looked at me with tears pooling in his eyes and right then I knew that I was right. Seems he went to bed and couldn't sleep thinking about his son that passed away. SIDS... That's what happened.
I talked with him for a while sharing the same heady air that follows misery. To be honest it took everything I had to not breakdown. We finished inhaling our air fresheners and I gave him a hug asking that he hangs in there the best he can... he lost the breakdown race. We walked away from each other and retreated for the night.
That brings me to now.
Love you and hope that you are happy and well.
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